3am

It's 3am.
Cold water splashed against my face, I looked myself in the mirror while I remove my makeup.
Tried to force a smile but "so pathetic" was the only thing that came to my mind.
Music plays.
I see the bare faced me looking back.
I see the real me I have to face.
A gush of emotions came over me.
Why? Why? Why? Each "why" for a different cause.
Maybe I was selfish. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I deserved better. Maybe I deserved to protect and love myself.
I'm confused. So confused.
You and I.
A tug of war. It has always been.
And tonight, I had all my reasons to make that rash decision to leave.
But tonight, I bow down in apology.
Because I know that's what you do for me at times too. An apology goes a long way, or does it?
Broken, tattered, angered, lost, I put all these down just to inch a little more to you.
I failed, nevertheless.
I felt worse, contrary to what I expected.
When someone lays down her pride with "sorry", ignoring it is last a gentleman would do.
I stare at those blank eyes.

And music plays.
"We're so far, yet so close. It's tearing me apart...."

Saturday

It was 2am, I looked up at the clock, thinking "how are you babe?". It was like a deja vu. Deja vu of the same me looking up at the clock, it was 11pm, "baby how are you spending the night? You're fine right? Because it's not just you out there"...

It has already been one week since I last saw you. I miss every moment we spent together. Be it getting annoyed at one another, playing with Roxy, having Roxy "spying" on us, or fooling around with one another. A friend of mine told me "at the start, your missing him will be so intense. But after awhile, it won't be anymore". I miss you dear.

Maybe she's right, maybe she's not. But it doesn't matter. Because somehow I'm kinda glad I'm missing you. And I'm looking forward to meeting you again!

You know how I keep telling you "it's just 5 days. It'll be alright. It'll be over before you know it. It won't be as bad as you think it is". You know that's actually what I tell myself too. Even though we're not exactly going through the same things, very different in fact, I'm very caught up in school and stuff too. I want to just not think about anything. But all the commitments and assignments.... 

I may not be a cleanliness freak (or you may beg to differ) but I'm a very paranoid person. Sometimes to the extent I can't sleep at all. Meaning I don't even try to go to bed. Okay I digress. But I've been having headaches for the past week. And it's not a good thing (duh).

Tomorrow is Sunday. I have to go back to school again. I'm trying to get used to independent living. Still trying to. I can never get used to living with insects and stuff though. I should make sure my Mondays for next sem not be like this sem. As if monday blues is not enough, I have 9.30am to 6.30pm lessons. Seriously... 

Don't even know how I ended up talking about school again. Ugh. 

Gossip Girl S4 for tonight. We'll deal with the rest of the shitty stuff tomorrow. Shall not spoil my Saturday night.

ciao.

Die Wanderhure (The Whore)

A German film based on the same-name novel. This tells the story of a young lady, Marie, who was accused of being impure (not a virgin) when she was signed off to marry one of the King's men's son. The culprits' intention was to get the dowry from Marie's family and get rid of her. Marie was raped while in detention and was charged guilty. She was then canned and banished from her home town. However, she vowed on her innocence that she will return.

While Marie was all wounded and almost dying, a group of whores saved her and healed her wounds. From then, she lived as one of them.

The turning point came when she met a high-class whore who recommended a good "trading" place where the King's men often patrol. And that became her objective - to get as close to high authorities as possible, for her revenge.

In the end Marie managed to regain her innocence.

I cried at the ending~ The man whom she loved never stopped loving her. His love for her never changed, even though Marie's life has taken such a big turn that she cannot face him anymore. Marie never once allowed herself to lose her virginity to him no matter how much they loved each other.

He said "I once promised a girl I will always love her". Marie was too ashamed and apologetic to him that she would choose to walk away from him, "I don't want you to be unhappy". However, his love is too great. He assured her "I will wait for you". What an "AWWW" moment! I was crying the whole scene.

And a question popped in my head: how much can you love a person?